


i don't know how i can do without, i just need you now

by synthiesia



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Court Ordered Rehab, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Letters, Letters as a Form of Communication, Love Letters, M/M, Modern AU, Modern Era, Multi, Other, Rehabilitation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26135476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/synthiesia/pseuds/synthiesia
Summary: When Christine Chapel's friends host an intervention, and she signs herself up for rehab, she doesn't expect to find companionship in the form of her rehab-assigned pen pal. She definitely doesn't expect to fall in love. But Leonard McCoy is going through rehab, same as her, and hegetsher in a way not very few people do.The problem comes when they get out of rehab, and she needs to track him down with the minimal personal information she has so she can confess her love in person.First 9 chapters are letters, the rest will be actual story.
Relationships: Christine Chapel/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Spock, past Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Jocelyn McCoy - Relationship
Comments: 26
Kudos: 27





	1. letters 1-4

**Author's Note:**

> okay so basically,,,,they have different careers and live different lives in the modern au because i didn't want them to just be doctors and nurses but,,,,i'm hoping you all enjoy  
> first 9 chapters will be 4 letters per chapter, and i have,,,,all the letters written already
> 
> also i don't think rehabilitation centers actually have pen pal programs but thats my entire premise so shhhhh
> 
> title from lady a's _need you now_

Dear Leonard,

The nurses suggested opening up the letter by asking you a series of questions, they even gave me a handout with potential ice breakers to write, but something about that felt so disingenuous. Almost like I was a surveyor. I am unsure, however, of how to strike up the conversation though because of it. Do I simply ask ‘how is rehab for you today?’ or ‘enjoying the jello at lunch?’- sidebar, I am not. It’s slimy. This isn’t supposed to be difficult. I’ve written plenty of letters in my life, I don’t know why this one, in particular, is giving me some trouble. Perhaps it’s because it’s the first time I’ve written to a stranger? I do like the idea of pen pals though, and I hope through our letters I will be able to someday consider you a friend- God knows I could use one right now. It’s been difficult for me to make friends in the facility’s lounge, so I’m looking forward to having someone I can talk with even if it isn’t in person. 

My name is Christine, by the way. I know it says that on the paper you were given when we were briefed on this program but I thought I would introduce myself anyways. I probably should have done that first, huh? I promise my mother raised me better than that. I don’t know how much I’m supposed to share in this first letter, but I can’t really divulge too much- you know, because of the rules. The nurses said that I should be honest in the letters, that everyone in here is going through something similar to me… ‘They’ll understand’ is perhaps single-handedly the most reassuring yet heartbreaking thing I’ve been told since I got here.

It’s substance abuse. Obviously. This is rehab. Prescription pills- that’s my vice. I’m not going to ask you about why you’re here. That’s not really my business. Plus I would prefer if we didn’t get off on the wrong foot. The last thing I would want to do is to make this program feel like a chore.

I look forward to hearing back from you,

Christine

* * *

Dear Christine,

I’m gonna take it from the chipperness of your letter that you had some choice about writing these damn things. Or even better- maybe you think this is a good idea. 

Gonna figure you can tell how I feel about it from my tone or whatever. Doctor’s say I have a bad attitude about this, and that it’ll “be more beneficial” or some shit if I “look at it with a positive outlook”. Not sure where the positive outlook is on having to spend 4 grand to be here, but that’s what they seem to want. They’ve said it to me enough damn times. Personally, I think it sounds like a load of horseshit.

My name’s Leonard. People call me by my last name, but I’ve been told I can’t tell you that, so. Leonard. 

I don’t think the point of rehab is to make friends. I haven’t talked to anyone, but I also don’t really think there’s a whole lotta point to me being here. That’s another thing the damn doctors and I disagree on. That’s all they really seem to do. Either they’re condescendingly pandering to me, or they’re disagreeing with me about whatever the next damn thing I’ve said is. 

Lord. They’re gonna be all sorts of bent outta shape when they see all I’ve done is bitch, cause you and I both know damn well there’s someone reading these things besides us. Alright, well, I suppose I best tell you a little more about myself or something.

Alcoholism. Court ordered rehab. Not really sure what else there is to say about that. Thanks, I guess, for not sticking your nose in my business? It’s gonna feel like a chore either way, but maybe it won’t be so damn dreadful with someone to talk to who isn’t always trying to fix me or make me be all introspective or some shit. There, doc. There’s your damn “optimistic outlook”.

I don’t know how long it takes to deliver these damn things. We’ll see how much we actually get to talk because of that. 

Leonard

* * *

Dear Leonard, 

I assumed the letter-writing was strictly optional participation, but clearly I was mistaken. I am sorry to hear that you’re being forced to do this and I do hope my chipperness isn’t giving you the impression that I’m enjoying my time here. I’m not. All this place has really given me the opportunity to do thus far is catch up on some light reading. I suppose you’re right, that rehab isn’t really the place to make friends. This is just the first time I’ve ever really been without my usual support system. I didn’t write down anyone on the consent form to be a participant in my rehabilitation. My friends wanted to help, they’re the reason I’m here in the first place. They were worried and needless to say I understand why. I guess you could say I am a little embarrassed; that’s why I didn’t want them to see me. That’s why I’ve wanted to make a friend in here- well, maybe an ally is a better word? 

I’m just starting my second week here. It’s been a little difficult adjusting and I know that as soon as I’m starting to get used to it that my time here will be up. Maybe it’s my room? The walls are so white and everything just sort of feels cold. Not that I’m complaining. It’s not as if I want this to be a permanent arrangement. Quite the opposite. You and I share the distaste for being here, but I think my stay right now is for the best. It’s the after I’m worried about- the stigma of being in rehab when I go back to work.

Would you mind telling me a little about yourself? I figured that I would at least ask since you don’t seem to be the type who enjoys when people pry. That way anything shared is on your own terms.

Until I hear from you again,

Christine

* * *

Dear Christine,

No, I didn’t get a choice about any of this. They felt the letter writing would be “beneficial” and maybe “give me a more positive outlook”. 

I definitely didn’t assume you were enjoying this shit, so don’t worry about that. Apparently you were more prepared than me though- I didn’t bring any damn books or anything, so I’ve been bored as all hell. My friend, who’s damn name I’ve been told to leave out, has visited me a couple of times. I put his name on the list. He’s like the goddamn worst sort of kid brother, but I’ll admit I’d go crazy without him, so I suppose I can see why this damn letter writing program appeals to you. 

I’m in my third week. I think there’s no getting use to this sort of sterile bullshit- everything’s too damn clinical feeling. I’ll say I just want this over with. I get what you’re saying about the stigma though- if I had coworkers I’d probably worry about that sort of thing too. 

I own a bar. It’s on the south side of Charlotte? I’ve been told I can’t tell you anything else. It’s sorta a dive bar, but it’s mine- well, mine and my friend’s now I guess, since he’s been running the damn place while I’ve been here. 

How’s your work taking you being here?

I swear if one more damn doctor tells me I just need to reevaluate my life with a more positive outlook I’m gonna snap. What the hell do they know about my life? They seem to think that positive thinking and taking responsibility for my actions is gonna sudden turn my damn life around, and it’s a load of horseshit. I take responsibility for my actions. Doesn’t change the facts. 

Talk to you next time, I guess. 

Leonard


	2. letters 5-8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not all of my updates will be back to back but i figured at the start it might be good to do

Dear Leonard, 

Are you doing a six-week program? Can I ask that? If you are it means you’re halfway through with this place. Which isn’t me trying to put a positive spin on your situation. Just stating a fact. You didn’t bring anything at all? I have no idea how you’ve been able to make it three weeks- I would have lost my mind. Does ‘He Who Must Not Be Named’ visit you often to keep you company? I would offer to let you borrow a book, but I am: One, not entirely sure I’m allowed to, and two, I doubt that anything I brought would tickle your fancy. It’s mostly just stuff for work. I’m an English professor at a university in South Carolina- which somehow isn’t too much information. I’m on a sabbatical, so it’s not like work is overly concerned with what I’m doing in my time off. Colleagues just love workplace gossip, so I’m glad that’s not something you’ll have to deal with when you return to your bar. 

I live on the southside but the last time I went to a dive bar I was still in college, so I doubt I’ve ever been in. I have a girlfriend- who also cannot be named- who drags me out for drinks most weekends, but we usually end up downtown. She likes karaoke bars. People don’t like her at karaoke bars. I don’t mean to write anything slanderous, but she can’t really sing after she’s had a couple of shots. How do you like your work? Do a lot of interesting characters come in?

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t been seeing eye to eye with your doctors. I can only imagine that makes everything significantly more difficult than it needs to be. Just being here is hard enough and it might just be me, but I feel like the staff is supposed to be as accommodating as possible. You’re more than welcome to vent to me about it if that helps at all. I might not know anything about your life, but I will always be more than willing to listen. 

I hope to hear from you soon, 

Christine

* * *

Dear Christine, 

Since I’ll disappear once I’m out, I have been “oh so graciously” given permission to share with you that I’m here for 60 days- 8 and a half goddamn weeks. So I’m about a third of the way through, if we’re just stating facts. How long are you in for?

I am losing my damn mind. HWMNBN- that’s a goddamn awful name, I’m just calling him Asshole. Asshole says I’ve gotten ruder since I came here, if that’s possible? 

I’ve been told you’re not allowed to lend me a book. You can, however, give me a title name, and Asshole can get me a damn copy- might as well make himself useful since he feels the need to visit every three days. 

I reluctantly have to admit that this damn program might have some merit. It’s way easier talking to someone I’ve never seen than a goddamn doctor who’s frowning at everything I say. Don’t read too much into that or anything. I’m just willing to admit this program isn’t complete horseshit. 

Ah yes. Clearly that is definitely not too much information. I cannot possibly have any idea where you work now. Do you think the doctor that reads our letters understands sarcasm? Cause none of my goddamn doctors do. 

Work is currently- or will be, when I get out- the only thing I have left in my goddamn life. I have a handful of regulars. They’re all damn characters, but they help keep me afloat. It’s a pretty safe bar, too- I’m not about to let sketchy shit slide- so I get a decent amount of foot traffic. Supposedly, since I’ve been gone, Asshole has started impromptu karaoke in my damn bar. We’ll see if that shit lasts once I’m out. 

My doctors hate me. Which is fine. I hate them too. I imagine it’s different for you- you checked yourself in. But they view me as a “problem member of society” or some shit, so. You can imagine how that goes. 

Writing these has become a habit, and I have to say that even though I don’t hate talking to you, if you don’t hear from me again it’s cause I’ve been sent to jail after killing my damn doctor over his smugness.

Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.

Leonard

* * *

Dear Leonard,

A third of the way done isn’t nearly as nice sounding as halfway. So, sorry about that stark reminder. I’m also enrolled in a sixty-day program, but I have six more weeks to go- so just a little behind you. All that means is that I have eighteen more sessions of group therapy and six more sessions one on one with the therapist that I’ve been assigned to. I found that counting down sort of works. Makes it feel like it’s a goal that’s actually attainable.

On a different note, you cannot possibly ask me to just refer to your friend as Asshole. That’s ridiculous. Would you actually be interested in my book recommendation though? I am more than willing to suggest the book I’m currently rereading. It’s just usually my students who aren’t too thrilled to be reading anything for or in my classes. I teach English though, they quite literally signed up for that. More so, would your friend- Asshole, if you must- be willing to go and get it? Also, he manages to visit every three days while also running your bar? He must be a good friend. You said you view him as a brother? Do you have actual siblings? Or is he the closest you have?

I am glad to hear that you might be coming around on this program- even if it does feel like that was almost painful for you to write. My doctors have been pleasant to me, but I am also probably a little more pleasant than you to begin with. That doesn’t necessarily mean they should be viewing you in a negative fashion. Everyone is going through the program at varying paces- they should know that best of all. 

I enjoy exchanging letters with you, so please do not kill your doctor. I’m sure I won’t be able to continue writing to you if you get moved to a prison.

Best of Luck,

Christine

* * *

Dear Christine, 

This week I have been invited not to come back to group therapy as my “presence is detrimental to the progress of others”. Instead they have me meeting one on one with my damn therapist three times a goddamn week.

I think she’s ridiculous and full of shit. She knows this. Unfortunately, I have to pretend not to, because if I don’t “show significant improvement” and “obtain a better attitude” they’re threatening to write back to the court and say that treatment has been unsuccessful, and then I’ll have to go through this goddamn shit all over again.

I can in fact ask you to call him that, simply by not being able to supply you with a different name. And I would like your recommendation- it’s not like he has a whole lot else to do, he can pick me up a damn book. He never stays for too long, so he just shuts down the bar when he comes. 

He’s one of the closest things I have to family. I’m an only child, and my parents and grandparents are both dead. He’s the only damn thing I’ve got right now at least- I’m divorced, so.

~~That actually. I shoul~~ I was ordered to rehab by the court after I did some amount of damage to her new husband's property for generally being a goddamn shitty person who refuses to let me see ~~my kid~~

Don’t make fun of me. I don’t know if the damn person who reads these letters reports back to my doctor, and I don’t need the damn doctor’s being more condescendingly smug than they already are.

Me? Unpleasant? Never. I can’t imagine why you’d accuse me of that. 

I am amazed you managed to convey your own damn sincerity through a letter and statements that would come off as condescending from some people. And thanks, I guess. 

They have pen pals in prison too don’t they?

Thanks. Best of luck to you too I guess, with the program at least.

Leonard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave kudos/comments if you enjoyed!


	3. letters 9-12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter ! i really hope people are actually interested in what's happening

Dear Leonard, 

Kicked out of group therapy, huh? I’m going to be honest, I didn’t realize that was something that actually happened- always assumed it was more of a threat since no one in my group has actually been removed. Do you prefer group therapy or one on one sessions? No, neither is not an option. 

I suppose I will have to resort to referring to him as Asshole then, but if he is willing I’m rereading Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flagg; it’s one of my personal favorites and every so often I have a group that seems to genuinely enjoy it when I assign it for class. I’m not expecting a book report or anything, so don’t worry- I won’t quiz you either. This, as far as the university is concerned, is a vacation and I shouldn’t be thinking about work.

I’m sorry to hear about your parents and grandparents. I guess it’s good that you have Asshole then. Especially considering the divorce- wait, is this something you’d prefer not to talk about? I don’t want to overstep any bounds or anything. Mostly because it feels like the two of us are finally starting to get along. 

Also, please clarify just when I was making fun of you because I assure you that isn’t something I would do. Ever. At all. Not in the slightest. Besides, I mean unpleasant might not have been the best word. Uncooperative might be, but that’s just a stab in the dark. Assuming I even know the first thing about you. Which I am not claiming I do. 

Most importantly, before I bring this letter to a close, I would hope you wouldn’t risk the possibility of them having pen pals in jail as justification for killing your doctor.

Please reconsider murder,

Christine

* * *

Dear Christine, 

I prefer neither goddamn therapy.

I’ll have him pick up a copy for the next time he visits. And just for that you’re going to get a detailed, 5 paragraph essay style report on my opinions of the book.Or not. I haven’t written a goddamn essay since I graduated, so. Even if I do pull it off don’t expect a lot. I do, however, expect you to write me and send me a quiz which I obviously will not cheat on. 

Well, I hope you’re enjoying your vacation then.

It’s fine. I never knew my mom, and my dad passed when I was 10 or so. My grandparents passed when I was 19. So, it’s been a while. 

We can talk about the divorce, but there isn’t much to say. I never really should’ve gotten married to begin with, and we divorced last year. She cheated on me for the entire damn year before that with her new husband. He, and the court system, are conspiring to not allow me to see my ten year old daughter. And I smashed his car. Which, since it didn’t make goddamn news, I’m apparently allowed to tell you after all. Since apparently my talking about it might be “productive” and “allow me to get some unexplored feelings out” or some other shit. I don’t know. It’s all goddamn bullshit anyway. 

Okay. I’ve shared my shitty sad goddamn story. We’re “friends” or some shit. It’s time for you to share how a damn college English professor ends up having to go to rehab for prescription pills.

Uncooperative is a word I’ve heard people use a lot to describe me lately. 

And difficult.

And I haven’t killed my doctor yet, so maybe we’re slowly getting in the clear.

Until next time.

Leonard

* * *

Dear Leonard, 

I’m going to assume you miss group therapy since you’ve only said negative things regarding personalized sessions and your therapist. I know you didn’t ask for my opinion, but I think I prefer the one on one sessions. Maybe it’s because I feel more comfortable talking things out by myself, or maybe it’s because I don’t have ‘Weird Travis’ sitting next to me the whole time. It’s a toss-up and could go either way though. 

You’ll have to tell me when you get your hands on a copy, but please, for the love of God, do not turn in an essay as an attachment to any of your letters. You can stay rusty. I can, however, produce a quiz if you ask me nicely. I will probably not get it graded until I’m back at work though, and all things considering this isn’t the worst vacation I’ve been on. My only complaint is that I wish I had a better view than the one of the parking lot. 

Were you close with your parents and/or grandparents before they passed? I can’t imagine losing one of my parents, let alone both. I’m sorry you had to experience something like that so young. My mother and I might not always see eye to eye- she has what we call a strong personality- but I would be completely devastated if something happened to her. 

I won’t ask any questions about the divorce, especially since I’m getting the broad picture of how awful going through everything related to that must have been. I’ve never been married, but I was engaged for a while about a year and a half ago. I would, however, like to hear more about your daughter. If you’re willing to share, that is. 

And you’re lucky we just went over opening up to people in therapy and how my therapist thinks it would be beneficial to discuss everything that happened with someone who doesn’t already know the story. Plus, fair is fair, so I’ll tell you-

Two years ago my sister and I were involved in a pretty serious car accident- it did make the news but won’t actually give my identity away so I can talk about it. My sister, she didn’t make it. She died on impact- they said it was painless. Which I’m not sure is true; I think they were just trying to calm me down. I was in the hospital for two weeks. I didn’t even get to attend the funeral. When I was discharged that had me on some heavy pain killers and I got addicted. They numbed everything and I liked that…

Sorry to end on such a heavy note,

Christine

* * *

Dear Christine,

I do hate talking to my therapist. But group has always felt weird and disingenuous. And I have never really been a “people person”, whatever that means. And I can see, from what little I think I know about you, that it makes sense you like one on one. Also you don’t get to get away with just mentioning someone like “Weird Travis” and then not continuing- there’s a damn story there.

By the next time I write a letter I should have gotten a copy of your damn book. I’ll let you know what I think of it when I do. I will refrain from subjecting you to an essay. And I feel like you threw out there that I needed to ask nicely cause you think it’s something I can’t do, so.

Would you please make me up a quiz about Fried Green Tomatoes when you have a chance? I’d really appreciate it.

I did grow up in Georgia, and I’d like to think I kept some of my damn southern charm and hospitality.

You’re one of the lucky ones- I had a room farther in this goddamn building I’m in, so I don’t have a window at all. 

I was close to my dad, and my grandparents. My mother died when I was 1. I was prepared when my grandparents died- not so my dad. Thanks, for your sympathy. It was rough for a while, but. It’s been a long time now. I’d like to think it’s not a hurt I’m still carrying around. The divorce was truly awful, and honestly at this point there’s not much to say about it, so I’d much rather talk about my daughter. She’s an angel. She’s ten, and the light of my life. I haven’t seen her in a while, and they stopped letting me call her. That’s sort of how I ended up in this goddamn mess to begin with. She’s real sweet, though, and an absolute darling. She does dance recitals, and loves going to the aquarium. I could honestly talk about her all day. She’s the reason I stayed married for so much longer than I should have.

What happened with your engagement? If you don’t mind my asking or whatever.

I’m sorry that happened to you. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you. If it’s any consolation, if she died on impact it would have had to be a quick enough death that it wouldn’t have even registered for her. My father was hit by a car- that’s how he passed. They said the same thing then, too. Obviously, child me did not believe them.

I can’t imagine how hard it must have been not to go to the funeral. The lack of closure that would create must have been be terrible.

Painkillers would be appealing in that sort of situation. It’s a damn mess to begin with, and sometimes not feeling anything at all feels like the best damn option in the world. Trust me, I know that all too well. You’re strong for choosing to come here on your own after your friends intervened. 

Are you alright now? Physically, I mean. People who are mentally alright don’t end up in positions like you and I are in.

I feel like at this point we can expect heavy notes. We’re in rehab.

Leonard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave kudos/comments if you are enjoying this !


	4. letters 13-16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're halfway done with the letters ! also i know leonard mccoy is from atlanta but i needed him to be from a small town so i just found,,,a different one, near atlanta.

Dear Leonard, 

Honestly, I would love to tell you the full story of ‘Weird Travis’ but I can only tell you a terribly vague version of it because of confidentiality. We have assigned seating in my group therapy sessions because it runs very similarly to the way a third-grade classroom does. Anyways, Travis has been there the whole time I’ve been attending this particular group, and sits right next to me- there’s a lot of heavy mouth breathing, but mostly everyone including our therapist just tries to ignore him.

I did not just throw that out there because I didn’t think you could ask nicely; I was just curious as to whether you would, they’re very different motives. Let me know when you finish the book and I will gladly make a quiz for you. After all, I am a woman of my word. Oh, but for future reference, claiming you have Southern hospitality while vehemently cursing makes the whole statement seem like an oxymoron. What part of Georgia are you from though? My mother is from Norcross and we spent a lot of summers there. 

Your daughter sounds lovely, by the way. I hope when you’re out you’ll get the opportunity to see her again. Maybe take her to the aquarium? I didn’t get to see my father a lot growing up either, but I know he was always my biggest supporter. He used to call me Chrissy- it was the sweetest thing in the world. Then I hit about fifteen and was told by a boy I went to school with that I had the same name as a stripper. I only go Christine now. 

I don’t mind talking about the engagement. That’s actually the thing I mind talking about the least. I had been dating- well, I can’t actually name him here- forever. We’d only been engaged for about a year and a half when the accident happened. He tried really hard to be understanding, but suddenly I wasn’t sure what I wanted at all. So, I left. Broke my mother’s heart. She adored him. 

I’m actually glad I told you about what happened. I’ve tried to explain to other people how I felt, but most of my friends and family were grieving in their own way. The therapist analyzes exactly how I phrase everything, so I just sort of feel like I’m walking on eggshells even though I don’t need to be. You’re the first person who I feel like listened.

I’m doing well though, at least I think. Physically. I didn’t need the painkillers anymore. Since coming here I’ve been off them and after getting over the initial withdrawal my body doesn’t hurt. Thank you for asking. That’s very kind. 

I look forward to hearing from you as always,

Christine

* * *

Dear Chrissy,

Weird Travis sounds terrible. Why is he not considered a damn detriment towards people’s progress, but I am?

I have plenty of goddamn Southern hospitality. And charm. And I’m gonna hold you to that quiz. I have since received your book, and I’ll start reading it soon. I’m from Senoia, Georgia. It’s a tiny town. I haven’t been back since I left when my grandparents passed. 

My daughter- who’s goddamn name I am not allowed to tell you apparently- is an angel. I don’t know when I’ll next get to see her though. I don’t currently have any custody, and between my ex wife and her new husband they seem hell bent on keeping my daughter out of my goddamn life. I’ve been trying to fight them on that, but so far the court has not been on my side, and I can’t imagine this helped my goddamn case any. Plus, as icing on the cake, my ex wife’s new husband? Is a goddamn lawyer. 

I get that. Your world changed, and you were no longer sure how anything- including your fiancee- fit into that. 

Well I’m glad to know I’m not hindering everyone’s goddamn progress then. And isn’t that the point of these things? I’m someone you can tell things too who cannot judge you without being a damn hypocrite, and you don’t even have to face me when you tell me things.

I’m glad to be able to talk to you though. And I am here to listen.

I’m guessing withdrawal for you was dealt with very differently than with me. Drug withdrawal can’t usually kill you, which I’m pretty sure was a goddamn concern my doctors had with me- alcoholism and all that. That definitely had to be the worst part of this whole shitshow, though having to listen to my therapist drone on is a close second. 

It seemed only right to ask. You don’t have to thank me.

Until next time.

Leonard

* * *

Dear Leonard,

First off, I know I can’t get mad at you- I told you the story- but really? Chrissy? Perhaps my greatest insecurity? Maybe they just feel bad for Weird Travis? He’s missing teeth so sometimes when he talks he whistles. More importantly, why can I divulge that information, that seems much more identifiable than why he's here. Travis also tries really hard to be polite to the staff, he’s just a little too out there for my taste. Maybe take a few notes from him? I don’t, however, think you’re a detriment to my progress. 

I can’t say I’ve heard of Senoia, but I figured you knew I would say that. Plus, I’m sure you can be quite charming, but since I don’t have any definitive proof I will just have to take your word for it. 

I am sorry about everything that’s currently happening in your life regarding your daughter. It’s clear from the way you write about her that you absolutely adore her though, so I do hope something can be done about that. For both her sake and yours. She’s ten? What grade does that put her in? I know my fair share of difficulties dealing with lawyers, my ex-fiance- can he be ‘He Who Must Not Be Named’?- was one as well. Arguing with him was always a pain. Not that we argued frequently. 

I do think not having to actually face you when I confide in you is beneficial. I suddenly understand the advice column in newspapers now. Even though I would never write to one myself. I have however assigned a face to you. It’s a combination of Ron Perlman and a younger Gene Simmons- it’s so awful, I know it can’t possibly be correct. Please don’t take offense to it at all, it quite honestly reminds me of one of my uncles. You know how your brain is, it just fills in missing information even if it’s nonsensical. 

Withdrawals were really bad the first week. Week two was better, and at this point, I’m only having minor symptoms. I’m glad yours didn’t kill you though. It would have been a shame if the letters just stopped out of nowhere. After your vague threats from before I just would have assumed you found yourself in prison. 

Until I hear from you again, 

Chrissy

* * *

Dear Chrissy,

You did tell me the story, which made it fair game. And for all you know I could be missing teeth too. (I’m not.) I’m plenty polite to the (competent) staff (who aren’t condescending and goddamn awful to deal with). But I’m glad at least one damn person here doesn’t think I’m a detriment to others. Or at least to themselves. 

Senoia is a tiny town. I did know you’d say that. And I have goddamn charm, not that you’ll ever get proof. Charm doesn’t really carry well in letters.

Thank you. Most of the people I’ve interacted with seem to think it’s either my fault I’m not allowed to see her, or I don’t really want to, no matter what I say. She’s going to start 5th grade in September. It’ll be the first time I don’t see her off on the first day of school. I worry what she’ll think- her mother hates me, so I can’t imagine she’s going to be honest or fair in her explanation of why I’m not there. I just hope. I just hope I get to talk to her soon, at least. Or something.

Yes, your ex fiance can be HWMNBN. I imagine arguing with him must have been awful. I’ve only argued with my wife’s new husband a handful of times and they’ll all devolved rapidly into actual horseshit. Much like how arguing with my ex wife went, although he somehow managed to be even more damn condescending then she is. 

I know you said not to take offense but. I get that I am not that attractive a man, but I’d like to be able to say I’m a damn near sight better looking than whatever that monstrosity is. But that’s fine, because I’ve been imagining you as a combination of Taylor Swift and a real life English teacher version of Ms. goddamn Frizzle. 

Withdrawals were honestly shit for the first two goddamn weeks. I’m mostly fine now, I guess. Glad someone besides Asshole is glad I’m alive, at least.

Until next time.

Leonard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave kudos/comments if you are enjoying !


	5. letters 17-20

Dear Leonard, 

I’m glad to hear that you don’t also have summer teeth, that would have been really unfortunate for you- but if it gets sympathy points with the staff perhaps you should look into it. Aside from that, I am fresh out of ideas, considering the staff I interact with seems to find me somewhat pleasant. Not that I’m bragging, I just genuinely do not have any advice. You seem easy enough for me to get along with. 

And maybe charm could be carried via letters and you’re just not trying hard enough?

I don’t think you’re at fault at all, and hopefully your daughter will feel the same way. Even if she doesn’t know, maybe when she’s older? Ten’s a tricky age, but if you’re half the parent I think you are and want to be, she will definitely come around. When she’s older and understands just how awful the situation is. This probably isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I’d like to imagine that everyone gets some sort of happy ending.

Sidebar, you cannot abbreviate ‘He Who Must Not Be Named’ it looks silly when you do. I can’t really say I was the easiest person to argue with either, I was on debate team in high school and college. Made my father ‘damn proud’ too. Is being talked down to a common occurrence in your life? Between the new husband and the doctors I thought I would ask. If so, you have my deepest sympathies.

Leonard, please listen when I say that I know you can’t possibly look like that. Ron Perlman and Gene Simmons? Simply horrific. Perhaps it climbed directly out of my nightmare. I’m not even going to get into what my brain decided that face sounded like. Your assumption, on the other hand, couldn’t be more spot on. I am exactly that, complete with thematically appropriate clothing for any lesson I teach. In fact, when I’m grading the quiz you inevitably get- and couldn’t possibly have cheated on- my whole dress will be made out of fried green tomatoes. 

I’m glad to hear the withdrawals are better now. 

Until we chat again,

Christine

* * *

My Dearest Chrissy,

You seem hell bent on accusing me of lying about my general charm, so. I want you to know you brought me to this. When I get in trouble for being too familiar with you, know that you are who caused them. Anyways, I’ve long since accepted that the staff here hates me- that is simply how it is. Maybe they could be charmed into liking me, but I hate them, so I don’t care enough to.

Everyone has told me each age is a tricky age. I’d say I haven’t found 10 to be any trickier than any other, but I haven’t been allowed to be around for most of her goddamn 10th year. I’m glad to know you don’t think I’m at fault though. If only the doctor’s here would agree with you.

I’m not writing it out. It’s HWMNBN or nothing. It’s too goddamn long. And it sounds like you’d be difficult to argue with too.

Yes, being talked down to is a consistent goddamn thread. My ex wife did does it too. It seems that people think that because I did not go to college, and I own a bar, they are somehow better than me. And then they’re condescending and talk down to me. 

I’m glad you can acknowledge that’s not what I look like. As for what I do look like, I’m apparently only allowed to tell you that I’m tall, and I have dark hair. So. Not a whole lot of general description. Glad to know my ingenious description of you was correct though. I knew I was on to something. And I would pay good goddamn money to see an outfit made entirely out of fried green tomatoes. 

They want me to go back to group therapy again next week. I’ll have to let you know how that goes, but I don’t have high goddamn hopes. I hate group therapy. 

Until next time. 

Leonard

* * *

Dear Leonard, 

Perhaps charming the staff is the only option you have left at this point? Since nothing else seems to be working for you. I do admit that not caring enough to do so is a compelling reason not to do so though. Until then, I will have to see how being ‘too familiar’ with me comes across to determine if this Southern charm of your isn’t fabricated. Right now I’m thinking it just might be. 

I’m sure every age is tricky. I don’t have children and all of my knowledge comes from my friend who’s a mother- this is not the friend who likes doing karaoke, I should add- but her daughter is only about a year old. I’m well versed in young adults though, which does not help at all even in the slightest. But no, I do not think you’re at fault here and I’m sorry that you’re probably made into the bad guy. You don’t deserve that. 

HWMNBN has absolutely no substance behind it and isn’t nearly as dramatic as ‘He Who Must Not Be Named’ so I’m going to conclude you have carpal tunnel and that’s the sole reason you refuse to write the whole name out. I promise arguing with me isn’t as bad as it sounds, mostly since I try to do everything in my power to avoid confrontation- it hasn’t really been my thing since I hit about twenty-five. So, you don’t ever have to worry about arguing with me. 

So, you’re tall and have dark hair? You just described such a large chunk of the population, all I know now is that maybe my awful imagination was onto something. I get such a vague description and you know that you could put me behind the wheel of a magic school bus and I would be fine. 

There’s not much I can do about the dress though, just know it will be beautiful and delicious. Oh, and please do keep me updated on group therapy. I am interested in hearing how that plays out. 

I hope to hear from you again soon,

Christine

* * *

Dear Christine,

I know this letter is late. 

I had to convince the doctor’s it was a good idea for me to keep writing these letters to you. After the past goddamn couple of days, they thought about not letting me do that anymore. Everything’s gone to shit as it is, I told them that if they took the one last goddamn thing keeping me sane I might actually explode. 

My friend came to see me a couple of days ago. Apparently while I’ve been in here my ex and her husband have started petitioning to have my goddamn parental rights terminated. They can’t actually go through with it apparently, not till I’m out and given another goddamn chance. It’s a load of bullshit that I have to stay here anyway. They’re the goddamn ones who came up with this bullshit idea, who put me here to begin with. Now they’re trying to use this to terminate my damn right to be a parent to my goddamn child. 

Anyways. Things went to shit here on my end after I learned that. And now, unless I make “stellar and remarkable improvements” within the next week or so, my 3 and a half goddamn weeks is gonna turn into 4. What the hell is that even supposed to mean? 

They’ve also limited visitation now. So you and I are in the same boat now- you’re the only goddamn friend I can talk to. 

Sorry that this came late.

Leonard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading! pls leave kudos/comments if you're enjoying!


	6. letters 21-24

Dear Leonard,

Please do not feel the need to apologize for the letter being late. The circumstances were out of your control- and from what it sounds like, I’m just pleased to be receiving this letter at all. All things considering I am glad to be hearing from you again. Your letters are always my favorite part of the day. Especially considering the coffee here has been nothing short of disappointing and it’s progressively getting worse the longer I’ve been here.

Enough about me though, how have you been holding up? I’ve read what you wrote in your previous letter more than any other letter you’ve written before. It’s a lot to take in and even now I’m still having difficulty wrapping my head around everything. Honestly, I’ve never had so much secondhand anger. Needless to say, I have a lot of questions, but I don’t want to overwhelm you with them. I certainly don’t want to make you lose your mind anymore than you already have. As always you know I will listen to anything- well, everything- you have to say.

You always have a friend in me Leonard, even if it is just the two of us for the time being. Let me know if there’s anything I can do- you know I’ll do it.

Until I hear from you again, 

Christine

* * *

Dear Christine, 

I have been holding up as damn well as can be expected. Trust me, it’s a lot to take in for me too. I do want to say thanks. For your secondhand anger, I mean. I guess I just appreciate that you care that much?

Ask away. I need something to focus on, and now even getting out of the godforsaken place isn’t something I can look forward to. Trust me, writing to you won’t make me lose my damn mind anymore than I already am. And I don’t even know where to begin talking about this goddamn situation. I barely know how to deal with the damn thing myself. 

I was reluctant to even begin this damn program, but I gotta say I’m grateful to have you someone to talk to, now more than ever. My doctors hate me now even more than they did before, and this damn place is driving me insane. 4 more weeks never seemed so damn long. 

Right now your letters are possibly the only goddamn thing keeping me sane. 

Until next time. 

Leonard

* * *

Dear Leonard,

I always find myself penning my letters almost immediately upon receiving yours. After reading them, of course. Knowing I’m helping you remain sane while you’re counting down your time here- which seems to have been extended- has me responding with a little more haste than usual. 

Did your friend say on what grounds your ex-wife is trying to have your parental rights terminated? What does she have to gain by cutting the father out of her daughter’s life? More so, why can’t your friend- should I still refer to him as Asshole, or has the gravity of the whole situation soured the humor in that- visit anymore? I was under the assumption that the whole point of being able to have visitors in the first place was for a cooperative rehabilitation environment. So, I can’t think of why the facility would restrict visitors- that sounds like something they would do in a prison. Lastly, why would they prevent you from continuing the pen pal program? Especially since it seems to have been a good opportunity for you to actually talk to someone you at least feel marginally comfortable being honest with. 

Why don’t you ask me something- anything. I always feel like I don’t share as much as you, and I want this to be the perfect give and take. Plus, anything I can do to take your mind off things. I really do hope things turn around for you. You sound like you’ve had a rough life and I don’t want it to continue to be that way. You deserve a reason to smile- even if it’s small.

I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Yours,

Christine

P.S- Did you ever make it back to group therapy? With everything that happened, I didn’t get the opportunity to ask you.

* * *

Dear Christine,

I really am always happy to get your letters. Here, since I have to “improve my attitude” or some shit- at the very least being in here an extra goddamn week means I’ll get to write and hear from you even more.

My friend-I don’t know what else to call him other than Asshole at this point- said that the grounds are that I am unfit to be a parent. Between this goddamn rehab and the arguments I got into with her new husband in court, she thinks she has a sizeable goddamn case. And she and I haven’t gotten along in years, and I assume she wants me gone so she can create her goddamn picture perfect life- big house, successful husband, and my goddamn child. It’s what she’s envisioned for herself- it’s one of the many, many goddamn reasons we never would’ve worked out. 

They don’t want to let him visit too often because they think he “is a bad influence” and causes “negative feelings and behaviors in me” as if the goddamn negative behaviors and feelings aren’t caused by my goddamn situation, not by my goddamn best friend. It’s all a load of horseshit and I don’t even know which one of them came up with it but honestly at this point it does feel a little like a goddamn prison.

They worried that my general goddamn demeanor right now would “have a negative impact” on you and hinder your progress or something. 

Tell me about anything. I know you said why you’re here, and what you do, but tell me about. Maybe what you do in your free time? What your friends are like. Just something I guess. Also I have to say thank you. You definitely care more about my life than most people I know.

I look forward to your next letter.

Leonard

PS. No, I didn’t make it back to group. They said maybe next week they’ll start me again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave kudos/comments if you are enjoying!


	7. letters 25-28

Dear Leonard,

Is that a positive spin I hear? I’m not going to lie, that took me by surprise when I read it but it is kind of a nice side of you. Is your charm finally transcending the text? Since hearing from me makes you so happy, I guess I can continue writing until we’re both released. With your extension, we should actually finish our programs at about the same time. 

If you don’t know what else to refer to him as Asshole will have to do. Just out of curiosity though, does he or will he know that we’ve casually been referring to him like that? It doesn’t actually matter to me, considering I will never meet him and I would like to think if you ever mentioned the friend you made in rehab it would be done so in a positive light. I was just wondering if that was something he was privy to. As to why they’ve barred him from returning, it seems as if they’re shooting the messenger. It’s probably better he’s the one who told you, so you weren’t suddenly hit with it when you were released. Since something like that could reverse any progress that was actually made while you were here. The staff probably could have handled that- and you in general- better. I’m glad they’re letting you continue to write letters though, and as far as I’m concerned the only negative impact you’re having on me is making me think that maybe ‘goddamn’ is more versatile than I originally thought. 

I spend a lot of time reading, as you can imagine. Even if it isn’t for work. I used to go visit my parents a lot; they live in South Carolina, but after the accident, I didn’t go as frequently. Since then, my therapist has informed me that it was me isolating myself and that ‘is a poor coping mechanism that I should avoid doing in the future.’ As if I did it on purpose in the first place. I do hope I’ll be able to go and visit as often as I used to when I get out of here and am better- I’ve missed them. 

You want to know about my friends though? I can do that. I can’t name them, obviously, so I hope vaguely describing them won’t get too confusing. I have two worth mentioning. They’re both petite- one is a blonde, like me, and one is a redhead. They’re the reason I’m in here. They held an intervention for me after- well I can’t actually say. The friend I mentioned in earlier letters- karaoke girl- we work together. She’s not a professor though. God, that would be bad. I’m her only single friend, so I’m always first string when she wants to go out. We mostly just get dinner or drinks though. My other friend- she’s the one that has a kid- she’s been my closest friend for what seems like forever. We met freshman year of college- which was about fifteen years ago. She’s much more domestic than she used to be. She’s a stay at home mother, so when I do get the opportunity to see her we usually just stay in and watch The Bachelor. It was a weekly ritual, and hopefully, we’ll be able to pick it up again next season.

But Leonard, you never have to thank me for caring about you. That’s exactly the kind of friend and person I want to be. 

Yours, 

Christine

* * *

Dear Christine,

I’m glad you can be bothered to keep writing to me, I suppose. And yeah, maybe it is my damn Southern charm finally making a goddamn appearance. I told you it was a real thing. I guess we will be getting out at the same time now- at least I’m not leaving you in here alone, then. 

If I tell him I’ll never hear the goddamn end of it. But I’ll probably tell him. He usually ends up finding out every goddamn thing anyway. He’s already heard about you- what else do I have to talk about when he comes to visit? And unlike with him, I can and have mentioned you by name. Only good things, I promise. There’s not much beyond good things to say though, if we’re being honest. 

I tried to argue with the doctors about whether or not I could see him regularly still. They are definitely not on my side. I’m thinking that ‘court order’ at the top of my entrance form or whatever is the goddamn thorn in my side. It seems to me that your doctors are perhaps even on your side- I know damn well mine are not. 

I’m thinking it was probably good for whoever reads out damn letters to hear that. And “goddamn” is a goddamn versatile word. 

You seem like the sort of person who would like reading. Oh, on that note. I read your goddamn book. Not like I had that much else to do in here. It was good. I hope that’s the sort of morals you’re teaching your students. I think it’s a book some people could definitely learn from. I did enjoy reading it though- I feel like you should know that. It was good. 

You should pay them a visit. I’m sure they’ve been missing you terribly. 

Your friends sound cool. I will from now on be referring to them as Karaoke and Domestic. I need to differentiate them somehow. They sound like good friends, that they held an intervention for you. That takes guts. Karaoke friend sounds like she’d get on with Asshole- he’s the perpetual bachelor. Which speaking of- how is it no matter where I go I can’t seem to escape people who watch the goddamn Bachelor? Between the two of you and Asshole it’s like a goddamn infestation. 

I don’t think you know how much your care means to me. Especially now.

I look forward to your next letter, as always.

Leonard

* * *

Dearest Leonard, 

You never need to thank me for writing- or continuing to do so. It’s easily my favorite part of every day. Yet, you always do. Between that and not leaving me alone in this place, you’re starting to look like a proper Southern gentleman. Are you trying to charm me? To get on my good side? I thought the goal was convincing the staff of your pleasant side. 

You told your friend about me? I’m flattered- especially if what you said really was exclusively good things. I find it hard to believe, but I’d certainly hope that you wouldn’t have anything bad to say about me. I really am sorry that you won’t be able to see him again until you get out. Will he be picking you up when you’re discharged or will you just see him when you return to work? It’s still odd to me that they decided he was the issue. I’ve certainly gotten lucky with my doctors, and I wish you were able to say the same. They’re such an important factor of the rehabilitation in my opinion, so it’s just odd to me that they wouldn’t care more about all of their patients. So, for what it’s worth I’m sorry about that. The doctors might not be on your side, but I certainly am. 

As far as ‘goddamn’ goes I really do see the wide appeal, but I don’t see myself using it anytime soon. I associate it with you too much and wouldn’t want to steal it from you. 

Oh! You finished the book? I’m so glad to hear. I guess that means I’ll be spending some of my free time writing the promised quiz. Maybe it will get graded before I leave. Pro: you don’t have to wonder how well you did on it, but con: I don’t have my fried green tomato dress on hand. They have a movie adaptation that I actually really enjoy- I even show it when we read the book. If you ever get the opportunity to see it, you should. As far as classes go, I try to be a good influence on my students, but sometimes it’s hard to. Especially since not everyone in my class wants to be there in the first place. The students I do have a good rapport with always let me know how much they enjoyed having me as a professor. But really, I’m so glad you enjoyed the book. I can’t even begin to explain the smile that puts on my face. 

When I get out of here I certainly plan on visiting them. My parents weren’t aware of my addiction, and I’m sure they were a little surprised when I called explaining they wouldn’t be hearing from me because I was going to be in rehab. 

I’m extremely lucky to have the friends I do. Between us getting along and our friends potentially getting along, I now see why the doctors don’t want us to meet. I’m sure we’d be a riot. More importantly, Asshole watches the Bachelor? This is perhaps the last thing I saw coming, and I am immediately more entertained. I also don’t feel bad calling him Asshole anymore. I’m sure that’s your doing. Maybe you are a bad influence?

I’ll always care Leonard. Please know that I might not have your back physically- for obvious reasons- but you’ll always have me on your side. 

Yours, 

Christine

* * *

Dear Chrissy, 

I’ve long since given up on the whole goddamn staff. There’s no charming them. They hate me. You, on the other hand, I think can still be convinced that maybe I am a Southern gentleman after all. 

Of course I told him about you. For better or for worse, talking to you has become the silver goddamn lining to this place. And what bad things could I possibly have to say about you? No, it was all good, that I can promise you. I told him about you keeping me sane, among other things. He was surprised how many damn things I had to say about you. And yes, since you asked, he’s gonna come pick me up. He and I both thought it might be best if I didn’t drive myself here to begin with. As for being able to see him again- they said I might be able to, in a week or so? Depends on how goddamn group therapy goes, among other things. So I guess we’ll see. We’ll see if I can not get in a fight with the doctors again, too.

Well I’m glad at the very least that when all this is over there’s a goddamn word out there in the world that will make you think of me. There’s that at least.

I did indeed finish your book. And I’m expecting that quiz within the next two letters. And you better grade the damn thing before we get out- I’m sure I’ll do great, but I wanna see the damn proof of it. Then at least I’ll have something to show for this place. That is sad about your fried green tomato dress. I’ll just have to imagine it- though I suppose I would’ve had to either way. As for the movie- maybe I’ll get a chance to see it after I’m out. I’ll make Asshole watch it too. I watch enough dumb shit for him. Also, I believe you’re the sort of teacher who really gives a shit about their kids, and tries to help them. You’re probably more of an influence than you know. 

Yeah I can bet that would surprise them. Did you not go see them while you were dealing with things? Or were you just better at hiding it from them.

Oh, I’m sure if we met we’d bring the roof down, between us and our friends. And Asshole has the worst taste in TV- he watches all the goddamn trashy reality TV shows. And you should never feel bad. He’s an Asshole through and through. Just. The best sort. And you can’t say I’m a bad influence- what is someone “gasp” believed you? I’d have to fight off all the doctor’s again just to send a letter scolding you on that.

And you’ll have me on yours, whatever happens from here. Know there is someone out there on your side. 

As always, I look forward to your next letter.

Leonard


	8. letters 29-32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one more chapter of letters after this !

Dearest Leonard,

You’ve long since given up on the staff, so does that mean I’m the new target you’re trying to charm? I’m the only one who might need convincing. Well, if we’re being honest you don’t need to work that hard to do so. I already think very highly of you, so you won’t have to do much to prove to me that this Southern Gentleman you claim to be is there. Maybe I’ll leave here with just as much to tell my friends about you as you’ve said about me. It seems you’ve set the bar a little high, I hope I’ll be able to. I am curious though, as to what you meant when you said among other things. 

I’m glad to hear that he’s picking you up, hopefully, that won’t be the next time you’ll see him though. Let’s both hope group therapy goes well. I’m sure getting visitation privileges back would do a lot to improve your mood- maybe the staff should be taking notes from me? You’ll have to keep me updated on this. Especially regarding group therapy. I’m extremely invested at this point. 

As a woman of my word, I’ve included a quiz for you with this letter. I’m sure you’ll do fine, so there’s nothing to worry about it. I promise I’ll get it graded and returned to you as soon as I can. I would hate to keep you waiting. I suppose I’ll have to find another purpose for my dress then, since wearing it specifically to grade your quiz won’t be happening anymore. You’ve been imagining it though? You’ll have to tell me more about that. I am sad that I won’t get to hear your opinion on the movie. Hopefully, you’ll like it just as much as I do. 

Also, are you trying to flatter me because you want to get a good grade on this quiz? I’ll have you know that it will absolutely work and continuing to do so may or may not get you extra credit. I am glad that you think I’m a good professor though, despite knowing nothing about how I am in the classroom. I want to positively influence my students. Well, I want to positively influence others too, but they’re the only people I regularly get the opportunity to try.

I stopped seeing them after the accident. For a while, it was because I didn’t want to drive. The crash had me a little rattled. After that, distancing myself from them was part of self-isolation. It’s just how I coped apparently. So I’ve been told. I will definitely make a trip to see them after I get out. I’ll have to figure out when would be a good time. Almost immediately after my release I’ll be back at work getting ready for the next semester.

You can’t just call the Bachelor trashy television and expect to get away with it. A weekly ritual Leonard, does that mean nothing to you? It’s just me, Domestic, and a bottle of wine. I will admit this is way better than when we were hooked on soap operas. We couldn’t enjoy a bottle with those- that’s when she was pregnant. 

You’re not a bad influence. I was only joking. You’re quite possibly the best thing that’s happened while I’ve been here, and I’m quite literally overcoming an addiction. So, there’s a lot you had to contend with. Thank you- just for everything. It means more than you know.

I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Yours,

Chrissy

* * *

Dear Chrissy,

Well, I’m glad you think highly of me at least. I know that I generally don’t make the best first- or even second, if we’re being honest here- impressions on people. So I’m glad I could convince you to give me a however many-ieth chance? Or perhaps I just grew on you. Either way, I am glad.

You should tell your friends about me. About the irritable and rude Southern Gentleman you met through a pen pal program at rehab. I’m sure that will be a fun story to tell. And I have definitely set the bar high, but I knew from the start even if you told your damn friends about me it wouldn’t go nearly the same way my telling Asshole about you did. For one I’m far less nice than you- there’s far less nice things to say.

I actually went back to goddamn group today. I did not yell at anyone. I feel like that was an accomplishment in and of itself. So you can rest easy knowing I’m at the very least pretending to do a little better. And that they’ve agreed Asshole can come back as of next week. But not as often as before- he can now come once a goddamn week. 

I’ve finished the quiz and attached it. I would’ve thought it would’ve been a little harder than that- aren’t you supposed to be a college professor? I didn’t even have to cheat- not that I would have, of course. And you will definitely need to find another purpose for such a dress. Yes, I’ve been imagining it- how could I not. It’s a goddamn dress made out of fried green tomatoes. And I’m sure I’ll like the movie just fine. The book was certainly good.

Well, I’m glad to know flattery will get me everywhere. Hopefully it’s not true of your kids. But honestly, that makes sense about you that you want to be a positive influence. You’ve certainly done a well enough job in my damn life. You’re like a goddamn ray of sunshine in this godforsaken place. There’s a reason I talked about you to Asshole, you know.

That’s understandable that you didn’t want to drive. I don’t think I’d want to either. And maybe just take a weekend to go see them? I’m sure they’ve been missing you. 

As far as coping mechanisms go, I get the self isolation thing. I apparently use that, combined with drinking, as a coping mechanism for “all of the things in your life you feel you cannot face”. So, my entire goddamn life basically.

The Bachelor is trashy and terrible and having seen it I get to make that call. And I can’t imagine soap operas are even good drunk, much less sober. Why you would subject yourselves to those goddamn things is beyond me. 

I have a hard time believing I’m the best thing that’s happened while you’ve been here. You sound like you’ve been getting better, and I feel like that’s probably a far better goddamn thing than me. I am glad I am at least in the running though- you are definitely the best thing that’s happened to me here. You’re the best thing that has happened to me in a good long while- ten years, give or take.

I look forward to your next letter.

Yours,

Leonard

* * *

My Dearest Leonard,

I don’t even know what to say. For someone who claims they are irritable and rude, you certainly write some of the sweetest things I’ve ever read- if you are in fact trying to charm me it’s certainly working. You never needed more than one chance though; you’ve been nothing shy of wonderful since we started exchanging letters. In any case, I do promise to tell my friends about you. How could I not? You’ve been my biggest supporter almost the whole time I’ve been here. The first two weeks I wasn’t enrolled in the pen pal program, so I hardly think it’s fair to hold that against you. All things considered, I think I got pretty lucky with the pen pal I received- not sure I could do any better than you. 

I’m glad to hear that you not only have been integrated back into group therapy but also that you didn’t yell at anyone. You said it felt like an accomplishment and that’s what’s important. I’m proud of the progress you’re making. Looks like the doctors might consider it an accomplishment as well, considering Asshole can come back now. Shame he can only visit two more times- that’s if I’m doing the math correctly. You’ll have to tell me about your next visit though. 

I graded your quiz, and have attached it with my commentary. You did really well. You didn’t even need the extra credit, so I suppose all your flattery was for nothing. Don’t worry though, that doesn’t work for the students. You’re not one of my students though, so I can make an exception just for you. I’m glad I can be a ray of sunshine for you. I can’t help but smile every time I read that. Hopefully, I’m just as positively influential in the classroom as I am via letter. Oh, and don’t worry, I’ll find another use for the dress.

I'm going to try and go see my parents as soon as I can. I don’t think I’ll be able to right away because I need to settle back into my apartment and get my office back in order. Plus, I’m sure I have an unreasonable amount of missed emails. I’m not looking forward to that. Driving isn’t an issue anymore so once everything’s died down I’ll make sure to go see them. I miss them terribly. 

Also, there’s no need to be rude to the Bachelor. The show hasn’t done anything wrong. The soap operas on the other hand? I’m sure they’d be a little better with a little bit of wine. Everything’s so dramatic but honestly, I couldn’t look away. It was nice in my opinion- it was a little bit of structure when my life felt like it was falling apart. Our soap opera days were right after the accident. Domestic- since that’s what you’ve named her- was pregnant at the time and I was given time off from the university so that’s what we did. Her husband works a lot so I kept her company. Even attended the birthing class with her- we got some looks to say the least. 

You shouldn’t discredit yourself. Your letters have been the highlights of my days here. Getting better is nice, but I really am glad I got the opportunity to get to know you. 

Thank you for everything.

Yours,

Chrissy

* * *

Dear Chrissy,

I have a hard time believing you don’t see me as irritable and rude, whatever goddamn positive traits you seem to have decided I have. But I’m glad to know my charming you is working. And I’m well aware of how I started out, so I’m sure however fair you’re being, I needed at least a second chance, if not more. I am glad you plan to tell your friends about me- though even if you claim I am your biggest supporter, I’m sure there can only be so many good things for you to tell. And I’m not really sure I can possibly be your biggest supporter, when your doctor and the staff have been supporting you as well. And however lucky you think you were I promise you I was luckier still.

I’m doing my best. The last goddamn thing I need is them extending my sentence even further- then I won’t even have you to keep me company. And yeah, twice sounds right. He’s visiting in a day or so, and then again at the end of the week- only a few days before he picks me up from this goddamn place.

I told you I would do well. Even without cheating. Which I obviously would never do. And I’m glad to hear I’m the exception and not the rule. 

How’s the song go? You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Something like that yeah? Seems fitting for right now.

I’m glad for you that you’ll get to see your parents soon enough. And that driving is no longer an issue. And I definitely wish you good luck on both the emails and the office- that doesn’t sound like a goddamn pleasant time. And I’m sure your parents miss you too. I know I will, once I get out.

There’s plenty of reason to be rude to The Bachelor. It’s done a lot wrong. Including exist. And I’m so sure the soap operas couldn’t be improved much by alcohol, but I can’t fault you for wanting a little routine in your life after something like that. I can get how that would be comforting, especially at a time like that, even if it’s something as awful as soap operas. 

I’m so sure your improvement is far greater and more important than your general interactions with me, but I thank you all the same I suppose. Honestly, I have to just say thank you for everything at this point. 

As always, I look forward to your next letter.

Yours,

Leonard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after the last chapter of letters is posted, updates will probably slow down to about once a week, bc i'm also about to start work back up again. thank you all for understanding!


	9. letters 33-36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go, the very last set of letters !

My Dearest Leonard,

Irritable and rude are never the words I would associate with you- goddamn is, remember? You always seemed more gruff and a little rough-around-the-edges, but you’ve never been rude to me. This is certainly something I’m going to relay to my friends when I tell them all about you. How you supported me, lent me an ear when I needed someone to listen, and made some of the hardest days a little easier. Just because the doctors did their job doesn’t mean that you didn’t play an important role in my ongoing rehabilitation. 

I’m glad you’re working hard. It would be a shame if you outstayed me when you were supposed to finish before me in the first place. Who would you write to? Complain about your therapist to? I’d feel so bad leaving you behind, so please try and do your best- not just for you, but for me. Plus I’m sure Asshole would prefer to see you outside of visitation hours. I’m excited though, that you’re allowed to see him again. I was overjoyed when I heard you were given your permission back. 

I knew you would do well. I never doubted you. You had a surprisingly well thought out argument differentiating between moral justification and upholding the law. It was a really good read, so thank you for sharing your opinion. I know you wouldn’t cheat though, that’s not something I was concerned about with you. If you wanted that extra credit though, I could be persuaded. This is a one-time thing, don’t think you can get bonus points with me whenever- just on this quiz.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away,” is how the chorus goes. Just in case you were wondering. My mother used to sing it to my sister and I when she was trying to get us to go to bed. It’s from the 1940s, I believe. 

I promise to go see my parents though. I’ll tell them all about you too. I’ll tell anyone who will listen about the pen pal I had and the friend I made. How I made this poor man read a book and take a quiz like he was one of my students, or how we were a bit touch and go on whether or not you were going to have to stop writing because you went to prison. Or maybe I’ll tell them about how he never believed just how important his letters were to me. Who’s to say?

I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Please tell me all about group therapy and your visit from Asshole in your next letter. I’m very interested in what you have to say about them both.

Yours,

Chrissy

* * *

My Dearest Chrissy,

I remember, yes. If that really is the case- though I’m not sure I believe you- you are maybe the only goddamn person on the planet who feels that way. And I’m so sure I was rude to you in my very first letter, but whatever. You’re the one who has it, not me. And you make me sound so much better than I am. I’m not sure if that’s your fault, or if maybe I come off nicer in the letters than I actually am. You’re also giving me far more credit than I deserve- you would’ve done just as well in here without me. 

I wouldn’t want to be here after you couldn’t write to me. You are honestly the only thing that’s made this even remotely bearable- a hard task, rest assured. Thank you, for all of your concern for me though. It’s honestly sort of nice to matter to someone. 

I absolutely do want that extra credit. I worked for it, and I feel I should get it. And I thought flattery would get me everywhere with you. Shouldn’t it get me bonus points all the time?

Group therapy continues to be unbearably boring, but I am behaving to the best of my ability. Asshole had choice words about this facility. I think he’s ready for me to be out too, even if he won’t say it in so many words. He was mad they wouldn’t let him come more often though. 

Yeah, that was it. Those are the lyrics. 

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.

Seems fitting, all things considered. 

You seem to view me as far more important and valuable to you than I can understand. I do thank you for it, though. I’ll miss you, when all is said and done and we’re both out. I didn’t think I’d miss anything about this place, but I’ll miss this. This quiet peace we’ve created in this godforsaken place.

I look forward to your letter.

Yours,

Leonard

* * *

My Dearest Leonard, 

I’ve read the first letter you sent me more times than I can count, and while you didn’t come across as friendly you certainly didn’t come off as rude. You seemed displeased about the staff, but I never thought your anger or frustration was aimed at me. Maybe that’s why? But again, I don’t think I would have had quite the experience here without you. You were more helpful than you know. 

I wouldn’t want to be here if I couldn’t write to you either, and I’m very pleased I decided to sign up for this program and gotten the chance to get to know you. More so, I’m glad I could help you even a little. It wouldn’t have felt right if I had been the only one who benefitted from this. I’m going to hate not being able to write to you again after this. It’s my current favorite pastime. Yes, you beat out reading. Who am I now?

Well, what do you want the extra credit for? Flattery will get you anything Leonard, so all you have to do is tell me and it’s yours. As previously stated, this is only a perk for you so if you intend to abuse it you should do so now. 

I’m sorry to hear that group therapy is boring. I never really had that issue with my group, but we had some wild characters. However, I am proud that you’re behaving. You’re going to get out of here on the slightly edited time and that’s all that matters. You won’t have to wait too long until you and Asshole are reunited for good. 

Now Leonard, are you singing to me? Via letters? If so, I’m not only terribly impressed but incredibly flattered. Mostly because you think so highly of me. I’m not sure what I did to deserve that, but I’m glad you do. Your opinion of me means a lot. 

Thank you for everything. Every letter you sent; every word you wrote. I’ll treasure them even when I’m better and rehab is a faint memory. I’ll miss you, not this place of course, but you. This back-and-forth. I really do hate saying goodbye and wish I didn’t have to. Also, I’m apologizing in advance about the paper being a little moist- I promise they aren’t tears.

I promise to think of you often and speak of you highly.

Always yours,

Chrissy

* * *

Darling, 

I am glad, I suppose, that you never found me rude. I must admit I never had anything against you- rather it was the whole situation I found to be damning. But you have grown beyond being something that made this bearable, loathe as I am to admit it. You’ve become something that made this whole damn experience worthwhile. I’m glad I came here, if only to meet you.

You helped me far more than you realize. I don’t have the same command of language that you do, but even if I did, there aren’t enough words to describe how I feel towards you. The immense gratitude I have towards you. The admiration. Feelings I can’t describe, can’t explain, can’t really understand. All I know is that I care about you an incredible amount- you are perhaps one of the three most important people in my life, and we’ve never met face to face. Funny how that works out.

Writing to you and receiving your letters has become the highlight of my day. I loathe to think what my life will be when I leave here- back to the endless court visits and requests and the general horseshit that was my life. You gave me a brief moment of respite, in it all. So I’m glad that you find writing to me to be your favorite pastime. 

Unfortunately, that’s not how this works. Flattery might get me everywhere with you, but you can’t give me what I want- a chance to see you face to face. A chance to really get to know you. Our facility- yes, seeing as I’m leaving, they’ve deigned to tell me we were located in the same facility- is going to keep us from that.

I can’t say that I regret my extra week here. It meant more time to talk to you, and more time between when I next had to deal with the never ending court battles. 

Yes, I suppose I am singing to you via letter. And I mean it. You deserve to be thought of that highly- you’re the best of people, and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. No matter what they say. Know you are one of the best people. 

I could say the same to you about thanking you. You can thank me all you like, but you did far more for me than I ever could have done for you. I’m glad you’ll treasure the letters though- I will as well. I did want to thank you, too, for everything. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. I wish we had met under different circumstances. I feel like maybe we could have had something more then. I hate saying goodbye as well. I’ve never been good at it- it’s way too permanent for my liking. But I guess this is goodbye? Whether I like it or not. 

I’ll miss you. You have to know that. 

Yours. Always.

Leonard


	10. Chapter 10

The thing was, Christine knew that she was objectively easier to find than Leonard. All she had was an approximate location, and his first name. He knew what she taught, and where, although she’d never explicitly said it. 

But she also knew that she was still on sabbatical, and he had all sorts of court-related things going on still, so she figured she probably had more time than him to seek him out anyway.

And she had to believe, after his last letter, that he wanted to see her. She felt confident that he felt much the same way she did about their…tentative relationship, as it were, and she needed to see if they could make it outside of rehab. Especially since they lived relatively near each other. 

She filed away the part of her that worried, that said it wouldn’t have been hard for him to find her, that he would have sought her out if he wanted to see her. He just was busy. 

After that last letter, they needed to meet in person. She knew it.

So she did what any reasonable person would do. She- and Gaila, or “karaoke”, as Leonard had called her- set about going to every bar that could be considered on the “south side” of Charlotte. There was, altogether, significantly more than she expected there to be. And while she always asked about the owner- asked what their name was, asked to meet them- it took a couple bars before she and Gaila realized they needed to ask “What is the owner of the bar’s name?” and not “Is Leonard the owner of this bar?”, because there were more than a few people willing to lie.

They were making their way across the south side of Charlotte, making their way down the lists of bars they could find online.

There were some she could immediately rule out. Anything too upscale, or too themed- Leonard’s bar would be more relaxed than that. She felt almost like she’d know, when she found it, even before talking to him in person. 

So they barhopped. They never spent too long in any one bar- after all, they were on a mission.

Some of the bars were more promising than others. Bars that had a more country twang to them, or bars that had makeshift karaoke. 

The Alibi Room had both. They’d been searching for a while now- over a month. They only went on the weekends, and very occasionally on weekdays, so it was a slow process.

But The Alibi Room was promising. It was quiet, two story building, a fairly nondescript bar with a corner that clearly had been set up for karaoke. The bar was manned by a guy in his early 30’s, maybe, and whole atmosphere was comfortable. It was the sort of place Christine could definitely see Leonard having run.

They made their way over to the bar. The bartender gaze them both a lazy once over, the sort that made it clear that this place had regulars and they definitely weren’t it. 

“What can I get both of you fine ladies?” Hr grinned.

Gaila grinned back, before turning to Christine. This was her show, after all.

“I was wondering if you could tell me who owns this bar?” Christine started with. The man laughed.

“Me. I mean...technically not me, but also definitely partially me? Uh, I sort of own the bar.” He grins at them again. “Jim Kirk, at your services.”

So not Leonard. But Jim said he only sort of owned the bar, and, well. She hated to judge him prematurely, he seemed very nice, but she could see how, if you were close friends with him, you might be so inclined to only refer to him as ‘Asshole’.

Her face must have showed something, because he peered at her for a moment before his grin changed to something more smug, more predatory. “However, if you were inclined to hang around for a bit,” he glanced at his watch, “the other owner, Bones, should be downstairs to entertain us all.” 

Bones. 

Maybe they were getting somewhere. 

It was only another 15 minutes of them hanging out in the bar- long enough that Gaila and Jim were clearly making friends, but short enough that she wasn’t even really starting to get antsy- when another man came in.

“Jim!” He sounded vaguely irritated, but there was also a certain fondness in his voice. 

“Bones!” Jim’s voice was a mixture of fond and excited. “You’ll never believe it, but there’s someone here to meet you.” His voice held a knowing quality, and suddenly Christine was sure, deep somewhere in her gut, that this was it. This was the right bar, and that was Leonard, and Jim knew it.

She turned to face the new mad, and wasn’t altogether surprised by what she saw. He was attractive, and tall, with dark hair and tired eyes. 

His face fit his voice- both his in person one, and his writing voice.

“Goddamnit Jim, this better not…” He trailed off as he saw her, and she was surprised to see something- recognition, maybe- cross his features. He didn’t say anything further, just came behind the bar and busied himself pouring a drink, taking a swig of it before turning to her.

“Leonard?” She tentatively asked, trying to meet his eyes. He stared resolutely at the bartop. 

“Hey, Christine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you all enjoyed the first non letter chapter!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay ! i'm based in america, and our country has been,,,,going through a lot, recently.

Christine wasn’t altogether sure how she expected meeting Leonard face to face to go. But whatever she had expected, it wasn’t what had actually happened.

It was awkward. She supposed that was to be expected, for any number of reasons. He had never seemed like a terribly open person. They met in rehab, but he owned a bar and was drinking when she came in. They had never actually seen each other face to face.

But she had expected him to seem? Happier to see her, than he was. Maybe they would never have a moment like in the movies, where she ran into his arms, but there should have been _something_.

Instead, he drank, and barely made eye contact, and seemed for all the world like he didn’t really want to be talking to her at all. 

* * *

“So I assume you’ve been busy with court stuff since you got back?” Gaila and Jim were making conversation a little ways away, leaving Leonard and Christine some semblance of privacy.

“Something like that.” He was busying himself doing...something, she wasn’t sure what. 

“I had to go to so many bars before I found yours.” Christine chuckled. “So many weird bar owners, so many different scenes. Not gonna lie, this is sort of what I expected your bar to look like.”

“I’m surprised you took so much time to search.” His voice was flat. She powered through it. Things were going to be awkward at first, and maybe he was just nervous.

“Well! Now that I have...why don’t we exchange contact info? And…” she hesitated for a moment, but she’d already put out so much effort to find him, and they had seemed to have such a connection, “why don’t we go out some time? Whenever you’re free next.”

Leonard sighed, running a hand through his hair, before finally glancing up at her. She smiled at him brightly, and whatever he saw must have cracked something in him, because after sighing again he said, “I can take next Tuesday off.”

“Awesome! Here,” she handed him her phone, “why don’t you give me your number.” She smiled at him again.

He took her phone, inputting his number.

“I was getting a little discouraged, before tonight you know. There’s so many bars on the south side, and it’s not like I had a lot to go off of.” She watched his face for signs of a reaction. “But I figured I had the time, since I’m still on sabbatical.”

He nodded, handing her phone back to her. 

She studied him while he took care of someone else’s bill. He was definitely attractive, in his jeans and casual button up flannel. She’d say he was a little older than herself, but so was Roger, her ex-fiance. There was also something quietly intense about him, and overall she wasn’t surprised by his physical appearance- rather, she was pleased.

She wasn’t sure what she had expected, coming here. Things were bound to be weird, when faced with each other in person. But this was something else. He didn’t seem disinterested, exactly- she could see him glancing at her when he thought she wasn’t looking.

No, this was rather like...something had changed. Like he was holding himself back for some reason.

She wondered if it was just because it would take some time to get used to each other in person. If this was part of his difficulty opening up with others. Or maybe it was just the stress of everything going on in his life.

Or maybe it was that he came back and was immediately drinking. He’s said it was court ordered rehab, based on a drunken mistake. She supposed that didn’t technically mean he was an alcoholic, just that he drank a lot, and he did own a bar. She figured there was more to the story than just the black and white read most people would have had on the situation. 

None of it mattered. She would be here for him, right up until he made it very clear he no longer wanted her to be, right up until he explicitly told her to leave.

He’d said he could be difficult. She was about to put that to the test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed ! more chapters will def be coming soon

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave kudos/comments if you enjoyed !


End file.
